i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
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people who do mutinies should be called mutants
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
No, I don’t think I will.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
*pokes sex life with a stick
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.