Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full

me, carrying 8 grocery bags:

[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do

If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.

Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.

“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub

i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on

there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs

my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…

Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch

[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’

“We’re still looking for a side project”

Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses

“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”

Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.

Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous

10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?

Me: Go to your room.

If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.

Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers

I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.

[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?

My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move

babies ‍ gremlins
‍🤝

getting wet after midnight makes more

ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…

To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?

I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.

Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?

~ asking for my cat

“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”

“no, what’s it called?”

“the Nu variant”

“yeah what’s it called”

“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”

“haha wow, who named it that?”

“yes”

The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?

If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house

interviewer: are you a good listener

TV captioner: yes

interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately

TV captioner: oh yeah

interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.