Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.

Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.

[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.

Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.

The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.

Friends that check up on you >

If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.

The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.

They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”

Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry

Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates

Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.

Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.

Land animals by legs:

0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.

my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage

people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”

omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks

AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.

Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.

*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*

Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.

Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.

The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.

Satan: “Waaazzz up?”

God: “Speak of the Devil.”

Satan: “Really?”

God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”

Satan: “Jesus Christ.”

Jesus: “What?”