Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.

an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me

For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.

At the disco last night.

They played twist. I did the twist.

They played jump. I jumped.

They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.

can I use a minion as a tampon

BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*

ME: *dives out of the way*

If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.

Doctor: So what brings you in today?

Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.

You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.

dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why

google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law

Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret

Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done

Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.

I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere

Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.

The point of your 20s

Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.

I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.

According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule

you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident

put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”

“I need to get laid man!”

– eggs (in the chicken)

[my first exorcism]

Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *

Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started

Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.

Me: Okay, but is that right or left?

HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss

Me: “ok”

It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?

how to have fun when you’re poor