Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.

[crime scene]

*detective snaps pics of murder victim*

Corpse: delete it

Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved

Me: Do you need a sample?

Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat

Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste

8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me

Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?

[Funeral]

He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”

Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!

Going feral. Y’all need anything?

I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.

DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]

[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?

Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.

*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*

*checks for abs, finds a clown

My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices

Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.

Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…

So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.

*group chat*

Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.

[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]

ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!

News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”

They have hover bears?

jealous again

her: why is the cat so sparkly?

me: I think she looks fabulous.

her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?

me: you mean the glitter box?

Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio

when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts

Librarian: Can I help you?

Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Me: No…

Librarian: One day that will work.

🚲+physics = winner