Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
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Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
wtf is an acronym
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.