Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.

The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke

Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.

[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!

Me: I do not!

Him: prove it

Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*

[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win

My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.

If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.

God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

[watching Boogie Nights]

age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.

age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic

Sex so good you see dead people.

10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute

me: *laughs in dial-up*

My little toaster: *catches on fire*

Me: Coward.

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?

My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.

this chia pet tastes awful

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.

ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid

A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.

eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys

Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.

when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy

“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and

Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.