My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
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Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then