The other giraffes watched and giggled as Herbert got to button number 87 on his dress shirt before they told him he started one button off.
me: what are they in for
zookeeper: this isn’t a prison
me: so they can leave
zookeeper: well no
me: [pointing to penguin] i bet that one killed somebody
zookeeper: he is not a murderer. he is just a penguin.
penguin: [grins, makes the throat slitting gesture]
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Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands
“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
Much like #Skynet, the dirty dishes in my sink have achieved self awareness.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?