@captainkalvis

me: what are they in for

zookeeper: this isn’t a prison

me: so they can leave

zookeeper: well no

me: [pointing to penguin] i bet that one killed somebody

zookeeper: he is not a murderer. he is just a penguin.

penguin: [grins, makes the throat slitting gesture]

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@SuperJuanderer

The other giraffes watched and giggled as Herbert got to button number 87 on his dress shirt before they told him he started one button off.

@LlamaInaTux

Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.

@aissalanis

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

@Vice_Queen

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.

@squirrel74wkgn

I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

?????[ponytail appears]

@LDLevesque

Much like #Skynet, the dirty dishes in my sink have achieved self awareness.

@StevieKnip

Cop: Hey U!

U: who, me?

Cop: no the other 1!

1: who, me?

Cop: both of U!

W: who, us?

Cop: Yes you!

U: Who, me?

Cop: No!

No: yes?