@captainkalvis

me: what are they in for

zookeeper: this isn’t a prison

me: so they can leave

zookeeper: well no

me: [pointing to penguin] i bet that one killed somebody

zookeeper: he is not a murderer. he is just a penguin.

penguin: [grins, makes the throat slitting gesture]

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@goodbeanjokes

Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans

@KateWhineHall

I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.

@jergarl

In my defense, my response to her inquiry as to how my day was going was “I’m less stabby than normal” not “Please tell me about your cat.”

@FierceMess

If it weren’t for twitter I wouldn’t know what it feels like to go unnoticed.

Just kidding, I’m married. I know exactly how that feels.

@iwearaonesie

*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f

@kellyoxford

7yr old daughter walked in the room, casually confirmed, “You have to have a backstory to why you’re evil, right?” And walked out.

@AnkCoupleTO

[almost at the moon]

Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope

@adamhess1

The girl I just showed off my Fitbit to thought I was really cool until she saw my heart rate increasing with every second she spoke to me

@boogersincoffee

i hate when you google stuff like ‘insidious’ it gives you the definition but when you google ‘butt’ it doesn’t. define butt for me damn it