me: what are they in for

zookeeper: this isn’t a prison

me: so they can leave

zookeeper: well no

me: [pointing to penguin] i bet that one killed somebody

zookeeper: he is not a murderer. he is just a penguin.

penguin: [grins, makes the throat slitting gesture]

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The other giraffes watched and giggled as Herbert got to button number 87 on his dress shirt before they told him he started one button off.


Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.


“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now


Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.


I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

?????[ponytail appears]


Much like #Skynet, the dirty dishes in my sink have achieved self awareness.


Cop: Hey U!

U: who, me?

Cop: no the other 1!

1: who, me?

Cop: both of U!

W: who, us?

Cop: Yes you!

U: Who, me?

Cop: No!

No: yes?