ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
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The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
i’m so sick of this guy
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Extremely relatable.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice