ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
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The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
what the hell girl, sure
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall