ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
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Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday