Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
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Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
pls suprot
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
The cycle continues
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop