Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
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Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
the prophecy has been fulfilled
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
This one, by a wide margin
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket