Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
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I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
What a kind woman! 😂😂
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Message from the dog groomers
Them: You should try keto
Me:
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like