Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone

Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.

This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen

I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.

*except just then*

A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”

My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer

When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.

Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily

Me at 10.10 pm: dang it

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.

Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.

“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.

Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.

She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome

The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.

May he RIP in peace.

Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.

friend: make her feel wanted

me: okay

[later]

me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

[text]

Me: Where are you?

Boy: home

Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.

it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way

My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”

Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.

Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit

What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.

Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?

I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.