Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.

[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”

Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

So Ive started a sarcasm club.

It would mean the world to me if you joined.

“I can be nice or I can be honest.”

[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]

IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER

11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush

I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.

How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?

ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*

Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

*trying to write a journal article*

*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*

Hacker: I have all your passwords

Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.

Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.

The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.

[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one

I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.

judge: what do you have to say for yourself

scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers

judge: oh damn

[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account

Me: Grab me the red one

Dog: Not funny

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.

Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?

Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.

My Plans:

A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.