Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
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CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Someone told me they had beef with me and I got pissed off that it wasn’t a brisket
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
