Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real

Brilliant!

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

This pepper spray feels like no really meant no

(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big

Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.

ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once

GIRL: holy cow how did you survive

ME: I fell off the bottom rung

Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*

I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.

The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see

“Why yes, that scale is accurate”

A collection of horror stories

50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun

50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST

Re: global warming and the cold weather

“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”

All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.

8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it

Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit

*During sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?

For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.

My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.

The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.

The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.

ME: I would like a complaint form

ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left

ME: I would like two complaint forms

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.

Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.

I only say “I love you” to

1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.

[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?

Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight