Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?

*third date, back at my place*

me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…

Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.

4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear

My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.

I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.

Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies

satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo

🙁
turn that frown upside down
):

Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old

Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer

Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t

[Speed date]

Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT

The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.

“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”

Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Helicopter pilot: …no.

With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.

Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.

*peeing*

I should get outta bed now, I guess.

me: how do you like the future?

lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car

me: what is it?

lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them

I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!

i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real

Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]

You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.

Dear Neighbours,

“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.

I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.