Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
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*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
the zen of frog
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*
iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year