me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
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This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
