me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
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Well, shit
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.
Food for thought, isn’t it?
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away