me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
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She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it