Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!

Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.

*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once

It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.

this is uni

How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.

“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”

I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds

In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.

Batman: I’m afraid of bats

Superman: I’m afraid of soup

I have many caverns

You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:

[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok

Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.

Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?

Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.

Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.

Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.

This rocks

I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea

Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.

I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her

email: CC

my brain: corn cob

getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point

*gets down on one knee*

Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.

me: first off – get out of my house.

Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.

I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls

also my go-to takeaway order

they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit

That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.