Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet

“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]

my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….

me: *hits download*

Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills

Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?

Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘

Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

I’d love this…lol

When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise

[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”

Why can’t Chinese restaurants chop the broccoli in their dishes? I feel like I’m trying to fit an entire bonsai tree into my mouth.

God tier horse name today on the sims

The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk

Inventing The Octopus-

God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?

Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids

I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician

I’m about to lose 20 pounds.

*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.

Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.

How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!

I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁

Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?

Stranger: He’s over there!

Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]

Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.

Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth

Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.

me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?

him: chainsaw

me: then Chain needs to tell