Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
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Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Cat or sheep
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.
Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.
“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.
Blindsided me.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs