Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger

My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.

Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs

Them: I think she already named them.

REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying*

*By a massive crocodile

Roses are red, violets are-

Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather

Whisper out to librarians!

My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.

itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….

-history

Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.

The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.

A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”

[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.

I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.

I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.

I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”

Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*

Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils

my date last night:

– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his ex

dating is fun, you guys

#katesdates

Dr: What are some of your hobbies?

“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”

Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.