Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: our baby was a surprise

me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how

Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start

I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.

Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes

Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.

[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open

my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely

*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*

I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

[During sex]

Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting

Me: It helps me in bed

Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS

me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are

Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.

Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?

Her: No.

Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?

Five-word horror story:

“I’m going that way too”

A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.

Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots

Him: You don’t have Russian roots

Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*

she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield

6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that

I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.

They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?

What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end

I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.

Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂