Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
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Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.