Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
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I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it