Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..

me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store

florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter

The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”

Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.

6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.

Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

[on date]

Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.

Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.

Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this

Dear Satan…

For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

Me: *covers foot with blanket*

Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*

Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin

Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind

My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.

I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”

Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.

Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?

Because he had gnocchi

*quietly waits for the reply guys

I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.

If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.

Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that

Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.

I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown

The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.

boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.

Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.

M:

H: Please leave Home Depot.

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet

My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him

Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.

If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy

Me: Please. Just a little longer.

Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.

I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here