Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
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[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing