Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
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[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.