Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
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The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.