Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
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WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Weirdos gonna weird.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
My neighbors were arguing and I opened the door to see what was going on and the lady was like “Lower your voice neighbors can hear you” and the man was like “MAN F*CK THAT NOSY A** LADY”
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*