Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole

Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh

Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.

[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad

I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.

Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out

Me: Ok then

[later that evening]

Dentist: Well this is nice

My tooth: I’m having a lovely time

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

That’s it.I’m out.

me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.

Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess

The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.

Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.

Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.

I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.

I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air

how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year

Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)

If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”

Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.

*bludgeons you with a block of cheese

*eats evidence

A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.

-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.

McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.

I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.

My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.