KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
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We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*