Me: What are you going to be for Halloween?

10yr old: Guess! I got an earpiece, mirrored glasses and a fedora.


10yr old: No, a spy! What’s a douchebag?

You Might Also Like


[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest wea-

Me: Interrupting people.


I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.


After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.


Hey, my eyes are up here.

Nope. Higher.

– snails, probably


Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back

Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]


If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.



Traffic fantasy:

– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me