@IjeomaOluo

Me: What are you going to be for Halloween?

10yr old: Guess! I got an earpiece, mirrored glasses and a fedora.

Me:….A…..douchebag??

10yr old: No, a spy! What’s a douchebag?

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@Tmoney68

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest wea-

Me: Interrupting people.

@ExBoltsFan

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

@Marlebean

After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.

@UnFitz

Hey, my eyes are up here.

Nope. Higher.

– snails, probably

@chuuew

Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back

Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]

@UnFitz

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

@whatmaddness

Traffic fantasy:

– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me