Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Me: What are you going to be for Halloween?
10yr old: Guess! I got an earpiece, mirrored glasses and a fedora.
10yr old: No, a spy! What’s a douchebag?
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I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
– snails, probably
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Kids suck. Even God gave up after only having one.