Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
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On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Happy Caturday!
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.