Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
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Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
*drops something sharp*
Brain: catch it with your foot
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Bread puns are on the rise!
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes