Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
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The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
guys I’m going home
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea