me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
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* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]