me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
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“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Oh. My. God.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires