Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
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*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don鈥檛 have the humidity to admit it
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So鈥 meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
My doctor says I shouldn鈥檛 get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn鈥檛 suggested who should do it for me.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn鈥檛 work because the instructions were missing.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That鈥檚 so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
馃ぃ馃槀馃ぃ馃槀
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Having a child doesn鈥檛 make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.