Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur

Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.

ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask

CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine

If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff

He’d keep us in line

I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.

“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.

Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.

[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas

[Painfully long pause]

ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking

i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph

Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.

[at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?

People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.

Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines

I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

Him: I’d take a bullet for you

Me: I’ll allow it.

An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.

I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.

beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night

If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.

If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out

What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?

How I Met Your Mothra!

…No, YOU shut up.

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.

I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas

Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.

Me: So you go back to the office for work.

Husband: And?

Me: And?