Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.

Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter

If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.

Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.

Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?

10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?

Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?

My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?

I’m not a narcissist.

But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.

I won’t take any criticism on this

Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.

How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”

6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!

Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.

6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)

Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.

Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?

“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato

The old gods are rising again.

what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex

The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.

IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR

I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him

*NEW*

For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.

PUNderwear ®

Comfort is No Laughing Matter™

There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.

You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it

Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me

Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”

Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?

Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!

3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!

I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…

Ground up and in the freezer

Breaking News:

Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.

as is their right

Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.