Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
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Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything