Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants

*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.

Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up

Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days

Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.

OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.

I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser

I’m dying louder than usual today.

thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service

who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens

Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite

[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting

Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:

ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”

ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”

Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”

cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees

sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw

October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.

good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.

SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.

ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.

Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher

Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.

So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now

One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.