Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run

Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams

If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.

Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world

If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”

… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that

teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?

Edgar: *shrugs*

teacher: Poe, try

Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”

PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*

*tornado takes out half of my house*

Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?

Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil

Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.

*slips $5 to the mortician*

Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.

Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”

ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.

*exercises sarcastically*

Not recommended for beginners.

I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife

I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3

“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean

“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword

“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”

-Inventing the bread bowl

A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?

Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.

I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together

“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)

What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.

Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.

Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.

I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.

[filing for legal name change]

Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?

Me: I was owned pretty badly on line

Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs