Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
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me, after any kind of buffet.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
All I’m saying is you know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣∧_∧ oh no
( ･ω･) im late for work
＿| ⊃／(＿＿_
／ └-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Packing for a 2 day trip like I’m gunna shit my pants 3 times and go swimming
This story is comedy gold 😂
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
My kitchen overserved me.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist