ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
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“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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There are 2 kinds of twitter.
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Got a light
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.