ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
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*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
felt that
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.