ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
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Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My guardian angel deserves a raise
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that