Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
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If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
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The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up
wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
shit just got real
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot