Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight

Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.

I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast

When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?

No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.

– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?

Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy

If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.

I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.

I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.

A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.

If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH

Prince Charming: check out the babe

Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead

Prince Charming: I should kiss her

Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?

Prince Charming: bring her what now?

[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?

Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale

This is amazing.

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.

My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public

How’s adulting going for me today u ask?

Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car

While using my phone as a flashlight.

Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*

– cats

*fakes headache to get out of work*

*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*

*unzips babybell cheese*

yeah. that’s him.

*rezips babybell cheese*

Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?

Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*