Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: we have developed a fear of boy bands

wife: at the same time

therapist: in sync?

together: *screams*

Not all heroes wear capes….

TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.

“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?

Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.

Banker: What?

Me: What?

Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)

This woman is my idol. Free her.

I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her

… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that

Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.

Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.

Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

I never over sleep in the mornings

I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail

Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.

[at the running of the bulls]

ME: imma try to pet ’em

Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.

Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.

Me: Whew! Thank goodness.

Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.

Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.

Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.

Me:

Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?

If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.

Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied

I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.

I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”

Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.

what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently

Friend: I hate frozen pizza

Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.

Friend:

17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq

He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.

Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.