me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
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Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.