me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
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Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
White Castle for the Win
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Hunting for buried treasure but it’s just me cleaning underneath my couches
A recipe for laughter
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
