Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?

Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.

idk what he going thru but i feel him

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

God: you’re a cuttlefish.

Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.

God: that’s not what I meant.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.

Cuttlefish: for hugs?

God: [sigh] no not for hugs.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: also you’re venomous.

Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!

God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean

Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually

My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.

Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.

mom gave me mine for free

I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look

*in hell*

Devil: so what are you here for

Them: I invented ice breaker activities

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

I am a genie. I grant you three wi—

Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!

[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.

I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.

You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.

I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope

Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?

me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer

also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING

I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.

Stork: I have a baby.

Pigeon: I have the mail.

Canary: I have bad news.

Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:

“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”

And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!

ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside

BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot

Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body

Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.

003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?

– 4 Non Bonds

Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.