Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.

Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.

Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.

ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough

Me: I miss traffic and people

Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS

Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”

You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”

Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.

I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud

Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point

[12 hours without eating]

Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry

target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.

I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.

Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.

Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.

I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.

I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑

I have no idea what she’s talking about.

I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

Domino’s : we said 30 min or less

Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me

Peach Farmer: sure

Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free

Peach Farmer: well just hold on now

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise

A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.

Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.

if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps