Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.

In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.

Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.

Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!

would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time

‘I’ll cut a bitch.’

– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure

If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.

Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.

Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.

gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is

On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.

Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.

I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.

squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes

DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.

[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE

You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.

[on a first date]

Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…

Her: I had a great time, good night!

Me: *runs in front of her car

they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be

Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.

Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago

*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”

Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?

optimus prime: did she just wink at me?

me: i think she’s turning left

BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT

Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.