Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.

if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened

Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom

Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*

Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.

Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.

My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.

I wish they sold off-brand cars.

I’d get me a Joop

The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*

twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE

twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.

My son kneed himself on the trampoline.

*black eye forming

Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.

Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging

Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to

Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:

Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.

kthanksbye

One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day

I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…

They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink

I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise

me: will you please pass the bee barf?

wife: please stop calling the honey that.

The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

*Checks typos in the mail before sending*

*Checks again, to be sure*

*Clicks on Send*

*Goes to sent mails*

There’s a typo in the Subject

What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.

I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…

I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.

The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing

Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.

Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first

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