Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.

[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss

My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.

a group of ocelots is called an awfelot

me: hey watch out for the poison ivy

friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]

“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”

Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing

I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!

Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.

[blind date]

HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?

ME: Absolu-

WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?

HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan

ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan

Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*

Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.

*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops

Tonight I will make history!

Turns off incognito mode

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs

reminder

Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single

My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.

ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside

BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot

I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”

The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute

Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.

*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft

God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No

“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.

therapy: $90/hr

saying “it eez what it eez”: $0

MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again

I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.