Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.

There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.

Okay, Feds.

Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.

“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>

“Thanks”

No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.

Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine

Me today: 2pm time for bed

I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.

Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji

If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.

All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.

sleeping beauty

I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

Them: are you busy right now

Me: (just laid down) yes

Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?

I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.

“What time is it?”

*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*

*Still has no idea what time it is*

I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.

my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….

me: *hits download*

Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context

Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background

Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting

DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg