Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
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You’re the water to my grease fire.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy