When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
You Might Also Like
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain