Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me

I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.

Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.

The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.

Me: this would be better without the raisins in it

Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins

I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens

Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.

I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.

I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable

ad for vacations:

how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else

Do men still open car doors?

That 👊

[Kid Training Headquarters]

Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS

if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming

The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don’t talk PERIOD.

[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.

“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.

Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?

Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.

[10 mins later]

Also me: I guess this is later enough.

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.

If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?

The pointless tidy up before a play date.

The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.

SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?

T-REX: Just because okay

Brain: You’re getting older.

Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!

Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.

My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!

the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit

We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.

me in a relationship: