Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is

I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.

Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.

me: AHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: in these trying times

me: AHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: you can count on toyota

me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher

Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?

Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏

Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*

Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.

Her: oh.

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.

anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option

11yo son just walked by.

If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.

“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous

“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children

[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these

ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.

I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.

I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.

My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.

“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement

[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.

4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!

*tries*

4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?

She’s not the first to ask me that.

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

[after an argument]

me: *scribbling on a paper*

him: what’s that? what are you writing?

me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing

There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”

Nothing sucks more than a Monday.

Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!

*first day as an insurance salesman*

Customer: Can I get a quote?

Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰

Customer: …

Me: …

Customer: …

Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.

Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?

Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning

“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”

[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]

Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?