Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[repeatedly mashing elevator button]

him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker

[starts licking elevator button]

I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it

[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’

Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.

14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked

Me:

math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass

me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?

math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit

me:

math teacher:

me: i don’t- is that going to be enough

I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver

Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds

Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.

Friend: wyd

Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?

[Vaccination center]

Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please

[On the phone]

Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No.

*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*

Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.

Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.

However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.

#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.

He scratches his head… I scratch mine.

He touches his chest… I touch mine.

He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.

“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.

This anagram machine is out of order.

~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*

Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…

[Later]

Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food

[Pokémon Pitch]

Writer: pet training with wild animals

Exec: thats already a thing

Writer: kids are the trainers

Exec: seems irresponsible

Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something

Exec: why

Writer: unclear

Exec: tight

“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

Me: *Posing nude for the first time*

Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh

When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!